Idiot Rehab...

I've been thinking a lot about growing up lately. I think I might need to do a little bit of it. It's hard work, growing up, when you are a retired class clown. How do you grow up without losing that bit of you that really makes you who you are? Someone who enjoys acting like a ninny just to hear people laugh, someone who says things they don't actually believe at all, simply for the love of sarcasm. And would people even know how to relate to me any more, if I was all serious and calm? What if I'm no good to have around, if I'm not making up some jokes??? This blog would obviously have to come to an end! I mean, no one wants to hear me get all inspirational. People would probably just think I was depressed.

I guess like most things in life, it's about finding balance. I've been feeling like a Charlie Sheen lately. Minus the ladies, the money and the illegal substances. At least sarcasm is legal. But sometimes, I feel like the pathetic part of Charlie Sheen. You go along all funny and sarcastic, people laughing, it's a good time. But eventually it gets carried away. And you go all sarcastic at inappropriate times, start having trouble turning it off and focusing on important things like making meals for your family.

But, unlike Charlie Sheen, I also have a horrible guilty conscious. So then I spend way too much time feeling rotten about being sarcastic all over the place, and the need to over explain is ridiculous. Self doubt...ugh. It's like a hangover. So then the cycle starts all over, in order to chase away those bad feelings.

I think my ninny self has come out a lot stronger since my Dad passed away. Well, I mean not immediately, I wasn't making jokes at his Celebration of Life or anything. But I think once the time came that I was expected to be over my grief. No one ever says you have to be over it, you just start to realize you have to move forward. And like most addicts, you use the funny to cover up the sad. To not face that music. This is not at all a conscious effort, and I'm just throwing out some thoughts here. Or maybe like a true addict, I am just throwing out excuses. 

So my fake glasses were my first attempt at idiot rehab. Look smart, play the part? nope.

I don't know what's next. Hopefully I don't have to move to Timbuktu and start all fresh. I think this idiot rehab stuff is pretty new. But if I don't post as many smartypants comments on your facebook wall, or if I don't smack you in the arm when I see you, don't worry, I'm not depressed, I'm just trying to grow up a bit. And it will probably only last a moment anyways, before I am back to my dumbhole ways. It might just be the way I am, and I am going to have to embrace that and find the balance.

ps. no matter what, I am keeping the fake glasses. I am in love with them.